Your Lover Is Probably Already Involved In A Relationship Under The Following Circumstances:
Your lover cannot or will not:
Commit to definite meeting times
Give you all their phone numbers
Give you a firm home address
Take you or permit you to visit their home
Tell you unambiguously who they work for
Tell you their work address
Give you their email address. (Hotmail or Yahoo addresses are suspect as most individuals have work-related e-mail or are signed up with an ISP. Third-party email addresses are an attempt to retain some form of anonymity)
Introduce you to their friends
Introduce you to their family
Stay the night. Or, can stay over on occasion and when they do – they have packed a somewhat ‘formal’ overnight bag
Go out on dates to popular places
Park outside your home
Meet you in your mutual locale (wants to meet at remote venues)
The Following Behaviours and Activities Are Further Cause For Concern:
Specifically avoids certain locations, places, streets
Drives the long way to anywhere, using back streets instead of the direct main routes
Prefers to drive and park as opposed to going to public places
Avoids driving with you during daylight hours
Avoids using credit cards Appears to be uneasy in public places, continually checking out patrons
Suddenly insists on leaving a public place because of not feeling well, or just spotted an old enemy, or he’s a secret agent and the KGBare after him
Deserts you at a public venue and later provides you with a farfetched reason as to why it happened
Claims to live in another city and is involved in a business project that allows him or her very little free time
Turns up at unexpected times; often unusual times like very early before work hours or soon after end of office hours, and then cannot stay for more than an hour or two at most
Doesn’t have business cards
Gives you a home address which when you check it out is non-specific, i.e. You go to 63 West Street, only to find that it’s a housing estate or townhouse complex comprising hundreds of homes or apartments.
Deception In Conversation:
QQ=You.
AA=Your Lover.
QQ I love you
AA Me too Me too – what?
If they cannot say I love you too in return, the chances are excellent that they don’t.
QQ Do you love me?
AA Of course! Of course what? Of course = Of course not.
QQ Are you married?
Any response except a firm ‘No’ is unreliable.
QQ Are you married?
AA I’ve been single since 2000.
Unreliable response. Could have remarried thereafter. The given response is Question Avoidance.
QQ Are you involved (in a personal relationship) with anyone?
Any response other than a firm ‘No’ is unreliable.
QQ When can I meet your family?
AA Soon Inability or unwillingness to commit to a date is problematic.
QQ You and me – is it just sex or do you have a deeper interest and care for me?
A short response such as ‘I really do care for you’ is problematic. If he/she cares then they should be concerned by your concern and should try to put right the situation by allaying your concerns. Not with clichés, but with genuine and sincere commitment. Where there is a lack of genuine commitment, there is a lack of love.
When and if you suspect a rat, don’t second-guess yourself. Trust your intuition and go with it. Deal with the situation on that basis. Don’t try to rationalize your lover’s behaviors and actions.
When you allow yourself to be deceived, you undermine your self-esteem and your projected credibility. If the relationship has no reasonable prospects of becoming something that you would be proud of and would want the world to know about – then move on in life.
When you are in the dreaded position of having to decide whether the object of your desire is deceiving you, apply the rules of DOD with greater stringency than you would otherwise.
When we are in love we may deliberately look past our lover’s indiscretions or unusual behaviors and that is the first step to allowing that person to exercise further and ongoing deceptions. Analyse early, come to a conclusion, plan your next move and execute it. (Not the lover!)
Coetzee, C. (2013). [Book Title] (Chapter 10). South Africa. ISBN 978-0-620-52413-1 (print), ISBN 978-0-620-57396-2
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